Fate
by pandora1515
Summary: Au. John did not want to love but he did, and in a blink of the eyes he lost the most important thing in his life Kaidan, but life had a surprise for him.
1. Chapter 1

**I dedicate this work to pepsilover138 thanks for all your lovely comments and giving me encouragement to continue writing.**

John rolled on bed finding the brown eyes of his lieutenant, looking at him intently. He smiled and touches Kaidan's cheek tenderly stroking it. Unable to stop looking at him, when he woke at his side, it was like being born again. Sleep with his arms around his waist was a unique pleasure. Each day that passed John felt more need to have Kaidan near him; he felt that he couldn't longer live without him.

"Good morning, my beloved Lieutenant," John said giving him a gentle kiss on his lips

"Good morning, my dear Commander.

"You know what Kaidan, you're beautiful."

Kaidan laughed, "No more than you. Now I have to go."

John quickly climbed on top of him, "not yet you know what Kaidan those days in your apartment-"

"Our apartment our loves nest."

John brushed his lips against Kaidan's "yes, our apartment. Those days were wonderful. Kaidan I think, no, I don't think so, I am sure that I love you."

"You do my Commander?" Kaidan asks him with his voice full of emotion.

"Yes, I love you."

"I love you too."

John then kissed him hard. He hates that Kaidan had to leave in secret every morning if John is quite sure, that everyone on the ship knew of the relationship that exist between them. They were both naked from the night of passion which they had last night, so he began to stroke Kaidan's erection gently listening to him moan between his lips

"I want you," John muttered between his lips.

"You always want me, but is too late ... oh, John, Please I..." Kaidan couldn't continue because John increases the movement of his hands of his hand.

"Yes give me fifteen minutes," John said reaching for the lubricant with his other hand.

"John you don't know what is having sex in fifteen minutes means. Damnit John ... Oh, it feels so good."

"Do you want me to stop?" John asks Kaidan looking at him with lust.

"No!" Kaidan said quickly

"That's what I thought ..."

An hour later, John was laughing out loud watching his beloved dressing quickly.

"John's not funny you say fifteen minutes, and you took an hour. Everyone will see my get out of your cabin. I won't forgive myself if you lost your job as Commander, because of me."

John grabbed Kaidan's waist pulling him towards him, "I would not mind, you're worth it, plus I'm sure everybody know about us."

"How?"

"Kaidan, the walls are very thin, and," John kisses Kaidan's lips tenderly, "you're very loud."

Kaidan laughed, "Me?"

"Yes and I love it," John kissed him with more intensity

"John I want to spend the rest of my life with you." John abruptly moves away from him. "John sorry I went to fast, forget what I said-"

"No," John approached him again, "Kaidan I love you deeply, this is the first time I feel something like this, and nothing more will make my happy that join my life with your, but you know about my past criminate life, however, you come from good family-"

"Stop, I don't care about your past but your present."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So yes, Kaidan I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I-"

John couldn't finish the sentence because the ship moved abruptly they looked at each other.

"Joker what the hell is going on?" john asks him over the comm.

"Commander we are being attacked."

"Attacked for what?"

"I don't know Commander."

"John we must put on our armor, let's go."

"Yes ..."

They quickly put on their armor and ran to the ICC, but all around them began to explode. There was fire everywhere. The ship shuddered violently and sparks flew from the panels around them.

John activated the official "We're Fucked – Abandon Ship!" siren while Kaidan continued to try in vain to put out the closest fire. "I need to you get the crew into the evac pods while I get Joker."

He didn't turn from the fire. "They're big boys and girls; they can get themselves in the pods. I'll help you with Joker, and we'll leave together."

"There will be injured – they'll need your help."

He threw the fire extinguisher to the side, finally admitting it was useless, and turned to him.

"Shepard –"

"Kaidan, go. Now."

"No,"

"Kaidan, I'm giving you an order,"

"You will not use your rank on me now; I'm more then someone in your crew. I will not leave you alone. You are the Commander go be sure everyone is out of the ship, I'll go for Joker. "

"Kaidan-"

"John, please."

"Aye, aye." He turned and disappeared into the chaos.

John ran to the evac pod, he directed his crew to them; one by one each survivor was entering the pods, until only the last stay. John tries to call Kaidan over the Comm, but got no response. He was desperate, and he was going to go to them when he saw them coming, then he felt relief.

Kaidan gave Joker to John. John helped Joker to sit down and secure the seat, then he looked at Kaidan reaching out to him, when he was about to reach Kaidan's hand the ship was attacked again.

The attacker sent a powerful beam through the ship. Kaidan was thrown backwards, spinning. He was too far from the pod; he could not seem to move into that direction. As the ship broke apart, he reached out and the eject button with his fingertip.

John look at him right through his helmet with terror in his eyes, " Kaidan no, " John shouted desperately.

"I love you John," Kaidan shouted before pressing the eject button.

"NO, Kaidan!" john cry out desperately, so strong that his throat hurt. He hit the door screaming desperately.

"Commander you need to sit."

"Kaidan no... no... God Damnit!"

Necessarily he had to sit; he could not think he could not cry he felt stifled. "Kaidan ... Kaidan, Please answer me ..." John attempts to communicate with him desperately, but only got static over the Communicator. "Kaidan ... no ..."

* * *

John didn't realize when the alliance's rescued them, not even when the pod door opened. At any time, he didn't dare to look or talk to Joker. John didn't dare to think or cry he still had his helmet on. He was in shock he still don't quite understand what had just happened, how Kaidan and he just over an hour ago were having sex loving each other, and now he's dead he is gone.

"Commander I'm sorry I-"

"Get out." John was able to say.

"Shepard-"

"Get the hell out," John shouted out. Then he stared at nothing, his mind was blank for a moment.

_"I love you John..."_

Those words those last words of the being he loved most in the world, don't stop ringing in his mind, he doesn't know how long he stayed there sitting staring at nothing until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Shepard."

John raised his gaze to Garrus, "what?"

"Where is Kaidan?" we ask Joker, but all he does is looked to the floor crying.

John got up from his seat and took off his helmet. "Lieutenant Alenko died in action," John said coldly.

Garrus looked at his friend in amazement realizing that he was in shock. "Shepard-"

"NO," john suddenly interrupted him. "Where is everybody? "

"They're waiting for you outside; you have more than half an hour sitting here."

John left the pod ignoring the looks of pity of everyone's; he knew that they all knew of his relationship with Kaidan. He started to take care of the survivors, as they reached the Citadel. He was acting like a robot without heart or feeling, he couldn't stop to think right now if he did, he would lose control, and he couldn't lose his cool now. He was Commander Shepard; he had lost crew previously, this wasn't something new for him, at least if he tells that to himself he could keep his sanity a little longer until he was alone then he could let out his grief in his solitude. John avoid Joker at all times, if he faces him john would kill him for not obeying his older to abandon ship.

Liara approached him, "Shepard we are reaching the Citadel."

"Thanks Liara."

"Shepard you're fine I know what Kaidan meant for you. I-"

"NO," John began to breathe hard, "not now." He quickly walked away from her.

"_I love you John."_

John shook his head shaking the thought from his head.

After a while they arrived at the Citadel, Anderson received them immediately. "Anderson."

"Thank God you're a live Shepard."

"Yes, sir, but we lost ... people."

"What are the losses?" Anderson noticed his stare. "Shepard!"

'"Oh, yes, sir, we lost part of the lower crew," John let out a sigh, "we lost Richard Jenkins, and" his voice grief. His eyes filled with tears he looked down at the floor then he cleared his throat, his eyes were burning with tears contained, "we lost Lt. Alenko," John said shakily.

"Oh my God, Shepard," Anderson tried to touch him.

"NO, not Anderson please, I 'm fine." he lied the trues he was about to lose control.

"Shepard, you're not."

"He... God Damnit he died in my place!" John snapped. "He didn't obey me ... Now ... I" John looked around; everyone was looking sadly at him. "Anderson I'll wait in your office we need to talk. Kaidan had family his parents oh god-"

"Son, go wait for me in the office, I'll take it from here."

John nodded words no longer came out of his mouth. After taking his armor off he headed to Anderson's office. After arriving at the office he addressed where his old man had his bottle of whiskey, because Anderson for John was like the father he never had.

John grabbed the glass, but he had to put it down his hands were shaking, he took a deep breath then after a moment he could serve himself drink. John sat in the chair with his eyes fixed on the glass; he had not realized he was crying until he saw a tear fall into the glass.

_"I love you John."_

"Kaidan..." John said in a whisper, "what I'll do without you. Damnit why didn't you leasing to me, why didn't you obeyed me." He angrily wiped away his tears. "I didn't want to fall in love, but I could not help it. You were wonderful to me. You were all that I needed, and now I'm empty." John closed his eyes, and all he could see was Kaidan last look of love toward him before push the eject button.

He does not know how much time passed until he felt the elevator arrived. Anderson entered the office. John got up from the chair. "Anderson I' sorry I needed a drink."

"Is okay son, how do you feel?"

"I 'm fine."

"Shepard, you're talking with me I know the relationship that existed between you and the lieutenant. Let it out."

John suddenly let out a sob, "I... I love him Anderson. I... "Anderson removes the glass from his hand then gave him a big hug, "I'm so sorry Shepard."

"It was me who had to die no Kaidan he had a family I'd only had him."

"You've got me Shepard."

John turned away from him, "we have to recover his body, his family needed -"

"Shepard look at me," he did," I don't think that will be possible, and spare me the details, you know what I mean."

John looked toward the view he knew to what Anderson was referring. Kaidan body may have fallen in thousands of places if anything could have been left of his body." I have to break the news to her parents. "

"I'll go with you."

"Thanks Anderson. What is next? "

"Now, you are going to go rest, it had been a difficult day for you."

* * *

John arrived to his apartment he headed to the kitchen then he opened fridge grabbing a beer. He left the kitchen going to the couch in the living room. He sat down for a moment looking around his empty apartment, funny; he used to like the solitude in which he was now. John enjoyed getting to his apartment, and not fined anyone to control him to tell him what to do, or how to do it.

John used to be a man who liked the bohemian life He used to have an affair here and there, but nothing serious. He used not to believe in love until he met Kaidan. He remembers with tears in his eyes the first time he saw those brown eyes looking at his own. That day John felt something that he had never felt love at first sight, yes, he fell in love with Kaidan since he first saw him.

John remembers how at first the two flirted at each other until they couldn't longer hide how they felt among themselves. Kaidan didn't want to be with him at first because he was his Commander, but gradually Kaidan was falling in his arms. Gradually Kaidan was winning his heart; he was grateful that at least he had a chance to tell Kaidan how much he loves him.

Kaidan used to take care of him; he always wondered how he was or how he felt. Kaidan forced him to rest a bit after each mission. Of those samples of affection towards him, tore down that shell with which he was covering because he knew that love gave you happiness, but also could give you pain and weakness.

John always was a strong man, but now he was a broken man Pain and weakness was what he was feeling right now. He had lost staff before, Ashley, Jenkins, but now he lost everything because Kaidan was everything to him. He closed his eyes, letting his tears run free he didn't want to go on, he knew that with Kaidan death also died all his illusions and love. For the first time he felt lost for the first time he did not know which way to go. The memories haunted him, He missed Kaidan madly. He wanted to feel Kaidan again with desperation. "Kaidan ..."

"God Damnit why is fucking hurt so much?" John shouted to the pure air. His chest it hurt, it hurt to breathe.

He finished his beer and stood to get another, but someone knocked on his door, he went to open meeting with Liara. "Liara."

"Liara."

"Shepard, how do you feeling?"

"Liara wants I want to be alone," he lied he did not want to be alone

"That isn't going to happened Shepard, "Liara said entering the apartment.

John closed the door then sat on the couch looking at the floor, "how are the others?"

"They are worried about you."

"You know Liara I was prepared for everything. Damnit I was prepared to died, but not this. It fucking hurts too much." John said covering his face with his hands.

Liara quickly sat next to him, she didn't know how to act with Shepard he was a strong man, but now he looked so helpless. "Shepard I know there no words that I can say to make you feel better. When I lost my mother you gave me your support you heard me talk about her without saying a word, and that helped me a lot because it was what I needed at that moment, someone to listen to me, so now talk to me."

"I didn't want to fall in love Liara, but it was impossible. Kaidan was wonderful with me he looked after me, and told me things straight in my face, and that made me fall in love with him even more. "

"Yes, Kaidan didn't hesitate to tell you what he thinks; many times I saw Kaidan yells at you."

John looked at her. Liara touch his face wiping his tears, "I love him Liara."

"I know Shepard, even a blind man would have noticed the love that the two shared."

"I know you all think I'm a hard man, despot, but Kaidan changed my life Liara, today we had decided to join both our lives, now ... I have no life without him."

Liara couldn't hide her tears at the sight of the man she loved shattered." Shepard, please calm down."

"Tomorrow Anderson and I have to go talk to Kaidan's parents, how I going to do this? I'll break their hearts."

"You have to have strength. Do it for him." She said trying to make him feel better, but she knew there would be nothing to give him some peace at this time. "I will miss him he was a good friend."

"He was the best," John sighed his hands would not stop shaking, and he felt a strong headache."

"Why don't you go lie down Shepard you're very cold, and your hands are shaking. I can prepare tea."

"Can you stay tonight? For the first time I have fear of being alone, fear of what I might be able to do, I'm desperate."

"Sure, let's go to the bedroom for you to lie down." John went to the bedroom lying in that bed where Kaidan, and he make love with passion many nights while Liara was in the kitchen, John kept looking their picture.

"_Hey, Commander that anyone ever had told you that you are the most handsome man in the world."_

_"Yes Lieutenant."_

_"Who?"_

_"You, who is also the most handsome and sexy man of my world."_

_"You say the most beautiful things Commander."_

_"You are my inspiration."_

_"So what that we do now?"_

"_Well, we will share the most passionate night of our lives ..."_

"_I like that ..."_

"I love you Kaidan, and there will be no one like you, no one can ever take the place that is yours in my heart. I would have been happy to die by your side, but fate was cruel, snatching at the only man capable of make me feels that I am someone that I'm worth. I'll never forget you, and if you can see me now, thank you for so much love, thanks for noticing this rough man, the only thing that he ever had good in his life was you. I love you my love. "


	2. Chapter 2

**My Shepard is Earthborn Ruthless**

_John opened his eyes Kaidan was beside him watching him with sadness. He knew he was dreaming he had to be because his Kaidan was dead. John just looked at him._

_"I'm sorry John."__Kaidan said sadly._

_"What do I do now without you?" He closed his eyes when Kaidan's hand touched his cheeks. _

_"Live my handsome commander lives."_

"_Not without you. Who can love me as you love me? Kaidan take me with you." _

_"I can't do that, what I can do is promise you that I'll look after you forever, I love you John..."_

_"I love you Kaidan."_

"Shepard ... Shepard." Liara shook him after hearing him crying in his sleep.

John woke up and looked at Liara, but he could not talk he just snuggled in her arms crying nonstop. He almost couldn't sleep all night tossing and turning in bed. He was used to sleeping next to Kaidan. There was time during last night when he forgot that Kaidan wasn't at his side, and he expanded his arm to find Kaidan's side of the bed empty. In a while, he had to get ready and wait for Anderson to go to break the bad news to Kaidan's parents, and he didn't feel ready, but he has to do it.

After a while, he could calm down a bit then he looked at Liara, who spent the whole night watching over him. "Thanks for your company Liara now I have to get ready."

"Do you want some breakfast?"

"No, I can't eat."

She left him alone; John went to the closet pulling the uniform. He only wore that outfit for significant occasions in the Alliance, now he would have to use it to give the worst news to Kaidan's parents. Kaidan spoke a lot about his mother. Kaidan adored her, and by his words, his mother loved him very much. After dressing he sat on the bed looking at his hat.

He knew that he had to be strong; he couldn't break down like that. His military training had taught him to be objective, to understand that hundreds of soldiers die every day, so he was prepared for that, but not for falling in love with a soldier, and practically watch him die.

His military career has been defined by his willingness to get the job done at any cost. He has sent men and women to their deaths to accomplish goals and have mercilessly executed captured enemy soldiers in order to make a point. He gets things done and is feared and respected for it.

Everything was consistent and accurate in his life, without thinking twice before making a decision, and then he met Kaidan. He remembers the way John use to making him blush, that thought made him smile.

Many times John stood behind him in silent looking at his ass while arousing just looking at him then Kaidan turned around encountered the lustful gaze of his commander. Neither of them dared to say anything for a few moments, they just stared at each other feeling the excitement between them then John bit his lips as his Lieutenant blush.

"_Commander."_

_"Nice view lieutenant," John said with his voice husky with desire._

_"Shepard ..."_

_"Later Lieutenant," John says before leaving quickly before he lost control kiss him in front of everyone._

"Shepard, Anderson is here."

John cleared his throat putting on his hat, "Liara thanks, thanks for everything."

"I will see you soon, I'll be waiting for you to tell me when will be the," Liara's eyes clouded with tears, "when Kaidan's funeral service will be held."

"I... I will. "John said sadly.

* * *

All the way to the house of Kaidan's parens John hardly said anything. Anderson respects his silence, but when he stopped in front of the house he felt his hands began to shake a little. He also felt tightness in his chest

"Shepard, are you okay?"

"Just give me a minute," John retreated back to the shutter breathing hard, he felt sick, nauseous and dizzy. His hands were sweating," Damnit John calm down!" John told that to himself, and then approached Anderson.

Kaidan's mother got in the door; they didn't have to say anything Mrs. Alenko only look at them before breaking into tears. John's heart was broken into a thousand pieces when between sobs she didn't stop screaming Kaidan's name, even worse when Mr. Alenko reached the door, between him and Anderson had to carry the lady inside almost fainted.

Kaidan's father remained strong, but John knew from experience that it was only a matter of time because he knew that he still in a state of shock.

"What happened to my baby?" Dona Sonia asks them looking at John.

John lips began to tremble uncontrollably, and tears started to fall from his eyes, but he couldn't speak, so Anderson tell them all that happened as John only looked at the floor. He wanted to scream, hit something, he wanted to take all the pain that they were feeling, and take it in.

After a while she could calm down, John was still sitting on the couch staring at the floor unable to speak feeling sick, but to his surprise Kaidan 's mother draw strength to worry about him. She grabbed his shaking hands. "Son you're okay?"

"Can I use your bathroom?" It was the only thing he could say shakily.

She indicated where the bathroom was. He entered the bathroom feeling he was going to fall, so he holding on to the sink helplessly he open the toilet then began to throw up. Feeling that his whole body began to shake, he had to sit on the floor starting to sob.

"Son." Dona Sonia looked at him tenderly. With watery eyes, "you are John right?"

"Yes ... how do you know?"

"My son told me about you in a message, he told me everything, my son told me he was in love with you."

"I... I'm so sorry he died in my place I 'm the one who should be dead, not him ... forgive me. I would have given my life for Kaidan, but he loved me so much that he would not leave me alone when I ordered him to abandon the ship." John said shakily, his voice full of bitterness, sadness and great pain.

"That sounds like my son," she extended her hand to him.

John grabbed his hand, but his legs failed him, he had to hold on of her, "I'm sorry."

"When was the last time you ate something?"

"Two days ago."

She took him to a room that he knew immediately who owns this room, he could feel Kaidan all around the room. "This is-"

"My baby room Kaidan never stops being my baby. Why don't you lie down for a while, I will prepare something to eat. "

"Do not bother with me you -"

"Tell me something. Do you love my son? "

John looks at her sadly, "deeply."

"So it's my duty to take care of you because Kaidan would have wanted."

"Thank you."

She left him alone, and after a moment Anderson entered the room. John at the request of Kaidan's mother decided to stay. The truth was that he couldn't longer maintain the hardness, he felt weak. His body was numb the only think he wanted was to be alone, and cries until tiredness.

John looked toward the dresser, where there was a picture of Kaidan he fixed his eyes on the portrait closing his mind to all around him, trying to remember those happy moments that he lived with him.

* * *

"_Where the hell is that man?"_

_John was looking at Kaidan's for over half an hour until he found him in the Mako. "Lieutenant what do you doing here?"_

_Kaidan roll his eyes, "what do you think I'm doing here Commander?"_

_"You roll your eyes at my Lieutenant?" John asked not obtaining a reply. They held a discussion early about what happened with the rachni queen, Kaidan had not agreed with the decision he takes killing the queen. "You're avoiding me?"_

_"Yes, now I 'm off duty can you leave me alone Commander." _

_John sighed and entered the Mako with him. The truth is that he didn't care what others thought of him, but for some reason John cared what Kaidan thought about him. "Are you questioning my actions Lieutenant?"_

_"Yes I'm, what you did was not right, she was not a danger to anyone, she was the only one left of her kind, you should have spared the queen." Kaidan's words were firm and precise._

_John looked at him seriously, "you are very daring Kaidan, and I don't allow anyone to question me-"_

_"Well, punish me if you want, but I told you what I thought."_

_"Take back."_

"_No!"_

_John didn't understand it himself if it were another person who was talking like that he already had insulted or shouted at him, but for some reason he could not be angry with his lieutenant, the only thing he could do was pretend he was angry. "Lieutenant I did what I had to do -"_

"_No, Shepard, you only act without thinking, and you should think before doing things." _

_"Excuse me what that you yet say to me?" John asked surprised, no one had spoken to him like that before, and worst of all was that instead of wanted to killing him, what he felt was an immense desire to kiss him._

_"Hey, then, apart from being crazy you are deaf too. Commander you didn't hear me, think before making decisions."_

_"Oh hell no, Lieutenant takes that back."_

_"No!"_

_"I... Shit why I can't be hard on you? If you were another person, I would have sent you to hell."_

_"Maybe, because you like me Commander!"_

_John jaw drop, "you ... I don't like you," he lie._

_"Really Commander, then why I find you entranced watching my ass with an erection, certainly very remarkable."_ _He said blushing._

_John couldn't avoid laughing, "okay I admit, you have a nice ass, maybe, I am horny, you know, we have a lot of time on the ship ... without any kind of privacy ..." John said tried to see how far his lieutenant was willing to go with him._

"_Then Commander, I suggest you put your eyes elsewhere, because this ass is not available."_

_John thought quickly what to tell him, "I do not believe you; I've seen how you look at me, if you are so bold to question my actions, be brave and admit that you like me." John saw him hesitate for a second. "So?"_

_"Okay I admit, I like you, but you are my commander and -"_

_John interrupted him, grabbing him by the back of his head, drawing Kaidan's lips to his kissing him intensely, a kiss that lasted a while, a kiss that John was wishing for a long time. He listens to Kaidan moaning in his mouth then John leaning him in the seat. _

"_Commander we need-"_

"_Stop ... I don't want to do it," John said biting her lips."_

"_So you admit that you like me Commander..."_

"_Yes, fuck yes, you drive me crazy Alenko." John said,_ _breaking the kiss to look at him._

"_Shepard, you are my commander, and if you're looking for an adventure I'm not the right man." _

_John smiled, "I don't know what I feel for you, the only thing I know is that I can't be around you without felt butterflies in my stomach, and that in a man is very wrong, and I know you're not a man adventure, and maybe it's what I like about you."_

_"Shepard, do you think we can be discreet?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then kiss me again, Commander."_

_"John, my name is John."_

_"Kiss me again, John."_

* * *

As John walked toward the microphone, he looked towards Kaidan's parents they looked shattered. That night he slept at their home with them, Kaidan's mother was wonderful with him, making it understand where Kaidan had brought out the good person that he used to be.

All night he thought was he going to say in Kaidan's funeral, he didn't want to talk, but it was his duty to do it. The only thing disliked him, was having to lie pretending that Kaidan was only a co-worker, when Kaidan was much more than that, but he couldn't admit in public that Kaidan maintained illicit relationship with his Commander, no John wasn't going to tarnish his memory in this way, in spite that what he wanted was to shout from the rooftops that they loved each other intensely he had to lie.

He stood in front of the microphone, and then looked for a moment at Kaidan's photo that was in front of him. He wanted to see those brown eyes, which he missed wildly. He took a deep breath he didn't have a paper or a note, John knew exactly what he was going to say.

John cleared his throat, but no words came out until he looked toward Kaidan's mother who gave him a small smile in spite of her tears encouragingly.

"What ... what I can say about Lt. Alenko? A lot, Kaidan ... Kaidan was an excellent soldier one of the best. He was bold with me, in that was something that I liked more about Kaidan, that he used to tell me to my face when he felt that I had acted in a bad way oh that I did something wrong. Yes, he used to challenge me," John paused, "he became a friend to me, he used to hear my frustration quietly, and a lot times risked his life in the line of fire for me, if" John hands began to tremble, but he took a deep breath trying to control himself, "if I am alive is because of him." John looked at Kaidan's parents, "Mrs. And Mr. Alenko you can be proud of you son. Everyone calls me hero, but the real hero is you son. I'll never forget Kaidan, and I think anyone here can do either... he was a valuable human being."

After those words, John could not continue and walked away from the microphone. He went to sit next to Liara, which grabs his hand tightly to calm the trembling in them...

After the service ended Kaidan's mother approached John, "Shepard."

"Mrs. Alenko," John voice sounded sad and distant.

She touched his cheek stroking it gently, "son in a few days we will have a family reunion in honor to my son, I would like you to come, and if you could spend a few days with us, tell us a little about Kaidan."

"Yes, of course yes, just let me know when I will be on leave for a while." He didn't want to be on leave, but Anderson ordered him to take a few days, weeks, or as long he needs to recover

"Okay, take care of yourself, and please go on with your life," she wipes John's tears and gave him a tender kiss on his forehead.

"I don't promise anything, but I will try."

After saying goodbye to her, John looked towards Kaidan's coffin approaching it. He knew that he was not there. "I miss you," John said, looking at the sky.

"Shepard."

"Liara," John said while wiping his tears.

"We're all going to Joker's apartment to speak, and drink up in Kaidan's name you want to go."

"No, I -"

"Please Shepard, only for a while."

John looked to where joker was talking to Garrus, watching him with resentment, "I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to do is be next to Joker right now."

After that John left to his apartment, which was a disaster. He was heading to his room when he heard a knock at his door, "Damnit," he wanted to be alone. At the door he met with Joker. "What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk."

"You're the last person I want to see in a while Joker."

Joker ignored him entering the apartment, "Shepard listen to me."

John dashed the door. "Do you want me to hear what joker? Listen how for your stubbornness I lost the most important person in my life."

"Shepard forgive-"

"No, you think an apology will bring Kaidan back." John approached him, "Kaidan is dead because, for you, it was more important a damn ship that your own life if you had obeyed me Kaidan now were here with me."

"Shepard- "

"I fucking hate you Joker you destroyed my life. I'm so broken beyond repair."

"We all lost something that day Shepard," Joker said sadly.

"You lost shit Joker," John shouted at him with tears in his eyes, "you lost a fucking ship, something the can be replaced. I lost the most valuable thing that I had, and I can never get it back, so don't tell me you lost something."

"I lose you, I love you like a brother."

"Well, then you're right you did lost something because I don't want to see you again in my fucking life."

"You know Shepard, I'm sure that if Kaidan who was standing there he would have been more understand"

"Shut the fuck up, Kaidan is not here because of you. You know I hope that every time you close your eyes you see Kaidan dying alone in space, suffocated or burned, as I see it all night when I close my eyes now get out and don't ever cross my path, if you want to stay alive." John didn't turn to look at him he just went to his bedroom and lay down on his bed, with Kaidan's photo beside him crying himself to sleep.

* * *

The illusive man looked at Miranda, "how is Shepard?"

"Destroy it seems that Lieutenant Alenko and he sustained a relationship before his death."

"Perfect, we have the Lieutenant's body?"

"Yes, but I don't know if I can bring him back in full, his brain is beyond repair."

"Yes bring him back; we need him only to have Shepard on our side."

"Okay, I'll get to work on that."

"Oh, another things, how is coming out the Lieutenant's clone?"

"Very well,"

"You know we will use the clone if necessary you can go now Miranda."


	3. Chapter 3

John entered Anderson's office early in the morning. He could barely get up out of bed this morning, he still drunk from last night; he just went to sleep a few hours ago. Those six months that had passed since that day had been hell for John.

He strives to get out of bed every day; there was nothing that would encourage him to continue with his day. He kept drinking until he passed out. He never imagines the losing a loved one could hurt so much. Now he was on the way to Anderson's office to beg him, that let him return to work, if not he will go crazy. He just felt a little peace when visiting Kaidan's parents, but the loneliness of his apartment and the memories were driving him crazy. He could feel Kaidan in every corner of the apartment. He felt he couldn't breathe.

When he walks into the office, the psychologist who was trying him, by direct orders of Anderson was leaving the office, and John saw in the folder that he had left on Anderson's desk his name.

"Shepard I was waiting for you. I don't have to ask you how you are doing, if I can smell alcohol in you from here also look at you, you have not shaved in days, you look poorly groomed, that's not you Son I am very disappointed in you I thought you were better than this."

"Anderson-"

"No, Shepard, I understand you, you lost a loved one, but I thought that you were a strong man that you would find strength and move on, that's what Kaidan would have wanted."

John lower his gaze to the floor, he knew that Anderson was right, "so that is why I came Anderson I need to work."

"Shepard, I can't you failed a psychological exam."

"I did?"

"Yes you did, oh don't you see you self, you can't hear Kaidan's name without starting to shake as now, look at your hands."

John looks at his trembling hands then he sat in the chair. "Anderson, please let me work I 'm going crazy in that apartment the memories are overwhelming. Give me a ship, a crew, I... I can do it."

Anderson looked at him sadly before answering, "Okay, but with on one condition, I'll give you a month to get yourself together and take the exam again."

"Okay, Anderson, I will not let you down."

'I hope so Shepard. "

* * *

A few days later John was quiet in his apartment, when he received a visit from Liara he felt the joy of seeing her Liara had been an angel with him.

"Shepard I see you're a little better."

They sat on the couch in the living room, "I am."

"Yes," she touched his cheek, "but in your eyes I can still see the pain."

John looked at her tenderly, "yes I'm not going to deny it, still hurt like if Kaidan had died yesterday, but I need to push forward, that's what Kaidan would have liked me to do, so I'll do it for him."

"I'm glad to hear you say that."

John grabbed his hands," Liara, Anderson will give me a ship; I wanted to know if you wanted to join with me?"

"I can't Shepard; I have to go to Ilium."

"Oh?"

"I have some business there."

"Okay, I understand," john got up from the couch, "You want a drink?"

Liara walked over to him the grabbing his hand, "John ... Sorry I should not call you like that."

"It's okay Liara, Kaidan," John sighed, "Kaidan was the only person I allowed to call me for my first name, but you won that privilege with your support to my."

She moved closer to him, "John I," she looked at his blue eyes and kissed him unexpectedly.

John corresponded for a few seconds, then turn away from her," Liara, I can't."

"Maybe not now, Kaidan's death is very recent, but you know I've always loved you."

"No, Liara listen," John got back to her side, "I know you love me, but if I let go myself with you, I 'll be cheating on you, I would be using you for my needs as a man, and you don't deserve that," he told her caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"You can't be alone all your life."

"I did not say that Liara, I do not know if maybe, someday I can be with someone again but love, not Liara, I'll never love again, and you deserve someone that can love."

"Thanks for your honesty I really can't deny that you've changed a lot, when I meet you, you were a hard man, but Kaidan change. Do you miss him?"

"I do" he sighed, "more than what you can think," John said sadly and shakily.

After Liara left he put on some soft music sitting down to contemplate Kaidan's photos, as always letting his tears fall. He would give anything to have him in his arms now. His arms ached physically from the desire to hug him again, to hear him moan with his touch.

"Kaidan I miss you so much," John thought aloud.

* * *

The months kept passing on, John now had a new crew a new ship with a new pilot, but things were not like before, he now kept his distance with his staff. He addresses them only to give them the necessary orders.

He will never allow someone to get close to him again. He looked around his cabin, fixing his sight on Kaidan's photo; wherever he went he always took they photo with him. He touch Kaidan's face letting out a sigh, before leaving the cabin to the mess room to prepare some chocolate, for some reason that night he felt colder than ever.

He thanked the mess room was empty. He prepared his chocolate. While drinking it, he stared at the table, remembering the time that Kaidan told him that he was ready to have some privacy with him, after spending days seeing themselves in secret, not to exceed a few simple kisses and caresses.

….

_John found Kaidan sitting drinking a cup of chocolate he thanked that there was no one else in the mess room. He approached Kaidan from behind, taking his lips to Kaidan's ear. "Hey handsome what are you doing?" Kaidan turn his face, John immediately captive Kaidan's lips with his kissing him intensely. "Uhm my lieutenant's lips taste like chocolate. Why?"_

_Kaidan laughed, "I'm drinking chocolate."_

_John sat beside him, "where do you find chocolate?"_

_"My mom pack me a few packets, she always worries about me. Do you want some? I can prepare you a cup"_

_"You won't mind making for me?"_

_"Of course I won't mind my beloved Commander."_

_John saw him getting up from the chair going to the stove; he let out a sigh, every day that passed he felt more attracted to his lieutenant. Kaidan listened, challenged, and looked after him. A few moments later, Kaidan return to his side with a cup of chocolate, John took the cup to his mouth tasting chocolate. "Uhm this exquisite."_

_Kaidan grabbed John's hand stroking with his thumb, "more than my kisses?"_

_John looked Kaidan's hand smiling, "no, your lips are wonderful, and they are my dessert after a long day of work."_

_"You do not want to have anything more than my kisses for dessert?"_

_John choked on his coffee coughing slightly, and then he looked and saw that his lieutenant was giving him a look of desire. He knew exactly, what Kaidan was referring to, but he pretended to be innocent." I don't understand can you be more specific, Lieutenant," John saw him bring his chair over to him. _

_"You know ... John we can climb a stair more."_

_John saw him put his hand on his thigh then he directed his gaze to Kaidan's hands raising it to his lieutenant's eyes that were gleaming lustfully, John get hard instantly when he felt his hand close to his growth. He cleared his throat, "I can't understand yet what you're talking about Lieutenant can you be a little clearer." John bit her lips as he felt Kaidan's hands under the table gently stroking his erection._

_"You really are going to make me tell you?"_

_"Oh, yes please, what kind of dessert we are talking about?"_

_"I'll show you what I'm talking about," Kaidan looked around, then under the zipper of his pants, pulling out his erection, then grabbed John's hand leading to it. "So Commander you want this dessert?"_

_"Fuck Kaidan, yes."_

_"Today, please."_

_"You're desperate?" John asked him, stroking him faster._

_"Yes!"_

_"Let's go ... Now ..."_

_The two arrived at the cabin in a minute, rapidly their taking them clothes off. John had never been so eager to be with someone as he was now feeling for Kaidan. They made __love madly trying to silence their moans with their kiss,__but it wasn't hard, what John was feeling he had never felt with anyone before. He was in control on top of Kaidan move faster, "Kaidan shit you ass feels great." _

_When they finished after hours of love madly, John surrendered fall off next to Kaidan putting his arms around Kaidan to cuddle in his arms, which he had never done before with his __former lovers. John used to finish, and immediately turn around then leave the room. _

_"Do you like it Kaidan?"_

_"Yes Damnit, you're fierce in bed Commander."_

_"Hey, you too tomorrow I will have to find the perfect excuse to explain the marks that you probably left it in my neck." _

"_Oh, sorry John, you make me lose control."_

_John brushed his lips, "Is okay I enjoy every bite you gave me handsome." _

_"Do you want me to go?"_

_"No! Please Stay with me. "_

_"Okay, but I'll go early."_

_"Whatever you say..." John said kissing him intensely..._

…_._

John came back to reality, and growled in frustration, then he feel his eyes clouded with tears, realizing that he will never feel that way again, or be happy with anyone. Kaidan taught him that making love, it was more than just a sexual act it was delivered one to the other completely.

He looked into his cup, not realizing that someone was watching him until he looked up, seeing his new lieutenant looking at him curiously.

"Commander, you are right?"

John looked at him coldly, "I'm fine, worry about your job not about me," John left the cup to go to his cabin.

"Do you lose someone Commander?"

John stopped turning around to face him, "What?"

"You always look so sad. You always look around as if you were looking for someone. Sorry I know it's not my problem it's just that it's sad to see such a strong man like you like that."

John quickly approached him, "worry about you self, and don't worry about me I'm not your problem. Don't try to be friendly with me; you're here to work not to be intimate with me."

After that John walked away to his cabin. He was becoming the man he was before a bitter, hard and frustrated man. When he reached his cabin, he dropped his body on the bed covering his face with a pillow to overshadow the sobs that came out of his mouth. If he had known this was going to happen, he would never have fallen in love with the way he did.

"God Damnit Kaidan, why you do this to me."

* * *

"Kaidan." John couldn't understand what his eyes were staring at, Kaidan the love of his life. John believed the Kaidan was dead for two years, two years that had been hell for him He began to breathe hard all those feelings that he had thought to bury all the pain was coming to the surface, but that man couldn't be his Kaidan, the man standing in front of him was looking at him as he was a stranger. John pulled his gun pointed at him. "Who the hell are you?"

Kaidan pointed his gun at him too, "drop it."

Garrus quickly stepped between them, " Stop, drop your gun Kaidan."

"Not if this man doesn't first."

Garrus looked at Shepard, "Shepard, put the gun down."

"Not until you tell me who the hell is this man, and why do you call him Kaidan, Kaidan is dead," John said shakily then, he saw a woman approaching Kaidan.

"Kaidan put the gun down, trust me." Kaidan did.

John looked at Garrus desperately, "Garrus please what kind of damn joke is this?" John couldn't avoid the shaking in his hands, his eyes shadowed with tears. That man was looking at him coldly, not how his Kaidan used to look at him.

Garrus grabbed John's gun lowering it, "Shepard look at him he's Kaidan."

"If ..." John gave a Kaidan a bitter look, "if he's Kaidan, why the fuck he is looking at me as if he don't know me?"

"Because, he does not know you, Commander Shepard."

"Who the hell are you?" John asked angrily.

"I 'm Miranda Lawson I was commissioned to rebuild Lieutenant Alenko, but his brain was too damaged, so I could not restore his memories."

"I'm confused..."

"Is Understandably. He was dead, and I rebuild him from top to bottom, with synthetic implants, so he is much more powerful than before, but he still the same as always, well, to exception of his memories."

John approached Kaidan trying to touch his face, " do not touch me I do not know you."

"Kaidan Shepard was very important to you." Garrus said.

John looked at Kaidan sadly, "I will not hurt you," John attempt to touch him again, and this time Kaidan didn't reject him but there was nothing in his eyes and that hurt him, "why?" John asked Miranda.

"The Illusive man knew you would never accept to work for us."

"Cerberus, you work for Cerberus?"

"Yes, Shepard, Cerberus is the only one who is doing something about the disappearance of the human colonies, and we need you to help us, so we rebuild Kaidan because we know how valuable it is Kaidan for you."

"I never would work for Cerberus," John shouted to Miranda, "Kaidan come with me."

"No, I don't know you, plus she's right we have been trying to help the colonies."

John didn't know what to do or believe he had suffered enough, and now the cause of his suffering doesn't even recognize him, the worst reality was that Kaidan did not love him anymore.

"Garrus help me here?"

"The only thing I can say is that he has no memory, but he acts as Kaidan used to."

John approached Miranda, "if I don't accept."

"I implant a chip in his head, if I feel like it I can fry the Lieutenant's brain with just a flick of my fingers, so what is your response commander." She replied to him.

"You're a fucking -"

"No offense Commander, I just follow orders."

"Fine, but I don't want Kaidan with me on this."

"Why?" Kaidan approached him grabbing John's arm abruptly.

John stared at him, "you have parents who are depressed about your death; also you don't look good I want a doctor to see you."

"Who are you to order me around?"

"I am the man who cried over you fucking death more than two years, the man who loves you, and still loves you dearly, I am that man, so you are going to do what I say."

"Okay Kaidan will stay but the chip in his head it can't be removed, or I'll find out if they try to remove and I will not hesitate in-"

"I hear you clearly," John approached her, "If anything happens to Kaidan I swear I'll kill you with my own hands. You're messing with the most valuable person for me." John had never felt so eager to kill someone as he was feeling now. "You do not know what I'm capable of, so I suggest that from now on do not mess with Kaidan."

John grabbed Kaidan hand, "Garrus who pilots the Normandy?"

"Joker." Garrus answered him.

"Joker," call John, over the Comm.

"Commander is a joy-"

"Save Joker sends the shutter, we going to the Citadel." John looked at Kaidan, "Come with me Kay I'll take you to a safe place "

* * *

"Son you are sure of what you are doing?" Anderson asks him, worried about.

"Anderson for you is no secret how I feel about Kaidan, or what there was between us. I'm doing this for him." If John didn't join them he would lose Kaidan again, and that wasn't an option for him, plus he had to destroy the Collector, and the Alliance wasn't doing anything about it.

"Yes Shepard and I also known what you have suffered with his death. "John looked at Kaidan, "I beg you Anderson help him." John was feeling desperate; Kaidan looks so pale he was terrified that they have done worse stuff to him.

"I'll do it; I'll take him to the Alliance's Doctors."

"Kaidan's parents, can you explain to them what being going on they suffered to much over his death. Now can you leave me alone for a bit with him, you too Miranda."

"I'll make sure they see their son again. We'll be outside." Anderson says.

John waited for them to leave the room, "I am that important to you?" Kaidan asks him. He could see the concern on his face. Kaidan could feel his desperation in his voice, the same desperation that he felt after waking up on that bed, with no memory.

John sighed and hugged him tightly, "yes ... You're everything to me. Now listen to me, I will return alive from this, and will come back for you."

"Can I write to you?" Kaidan wanted to stay in touch with him.

"Yes, keep me posted, you'll be fine." John opened his Omni tool and sending his email. "Ok I already send you my Email."

"Thanks for everything ..."

"No, I hate myself for saying this, but thanks to Cerberus for bring you back to my. They did harm you Kay?"

"Yes ..." He said looking at the floor. Miranda did all kinds of things so that he recovered his memory, but he can't remember anything.

John hugged him tightly to him, "I promise that I will make them pay for what they did to you ..."

"Why not let me go too I can help you." Kaidan felt the need to stay with him.

"I don't want you near them." John didn't want Miranda to have a chance to do more harm to him.

"Be care full of Miranda, the Doctor of the ship, Chakwas helped me a lot, and Mordin Solus he talks a lot, but he is brilliant. Garrus helped me take care of him. Oh watch your back with Jack, and you have a baby Crogan which you have to wake up. Tali need help, so is thane."

"Garrus ..." John sighed. "I will a baby Crogan ... Kaidan, you know… no matter."

The door open and Miranda enter, "Shepard we got to goes."

"Listen after today, who give the orders will be me. Now, there something that we need to know about Kaidan"

"His brain is still healing, he'll need electric-shot I'll send his medical report."

"What?" John yell approaching her.

"You want he to remember or not, Commander?"

"You're a-"

"Shepard is not worth it," Kaidan interrupted him.

"There will be another way that he can remember? Anderson asked.

"No," she answered him.

"Damnit!" Shepard was feeling frustrated. He didn't want Kaidan to suffered more than he had already suffered

"Shepard, I'll be ok you need to go." He tried to comfort him.

John had to leave, but he swore to himself that one day he would destroy, all the people they did damage to the only person who can make he feel alive.


	4. Chapter 4

_Kaidan was sitting in the dining room drinking a cup of chocolate. He loved chocolate; reminded him of his mother. He was lost in his thoughts when he felt the warm of his lips on his neck; obviously he knew who was kissing his neck. There was no one else in the dining room; almost everyone was asleep. Kaidan grabbed John by the neck, turning him around to meet his lips._

_The Commander pulled him from the chair while kissing him, grabbed him by the waist. Pressing against him, his kiss become more heated, his breathing more agitated._

_"I can't wait any longer, Alenko. I want you tonight. Let's go to my cabin." John said between kissing._

_"Let's go," but neither dared to break the kiss. "Commander," Kaidan moaned, "Shepard, let's go before someone hears us."_

_He was able to separate from him, still breathing hard. The Commander grabs him by the hand and practically dragged he to his cabin, inside John closed the distance between them, kissing him so hard that his teeth collided with him, "God commander, wait."_

_He stopped kissing him to look into his eyes. "Now what?" he asked with exasperation. He started kissing his neck, "Can't you see that you're driving me crazy. I want you like I've never wanted anyone before."_

_Kaidan could feel him tremble in his arms. "Me too, but I have to admit I'm afraid. This the first time for me... I- Will it hurt?" He was thirty-two years old but had never been with a man in his life. It was a strange feeling for him. The kisses John was planting on his skin felt incredibly good, however._

_They were standing in front of the bed. John laid him on the bed softly, remaining on top. He stroked his cheek and promised, "I'll be gentle. I would never hurt you, Kay, ever."_

_"I know that." With that, he grabbed him by the neck and joining his lips with his._

* * *

Kaidan rolled on the bed restless he just had a memory; he was passionately kissing his commander and lots more. The dream was so real that he woke up with an erection. Now he understood what he felt when John embrace him in Anderson's office. Now he understood that, between they, there was a great feeling. Kaidan wanted to remember more, but when trying to do so, his head began to hurt. Unable to sleep Kaidan got up from bed, put on a shirt, and headed to the kitchen, he was surprised to find his mother, and was past one in the morning.

"Mom what are you doing up?"

"I could not sleep."

Kaidan prepared a cup of chocolate, and sat next to her mother, holding her hand, "mom I know, I do not remember you or a dad, but that does not mean I do not love you two, the truth is that I've noticed you sad."

"Son since we lost you, the sadness is something that your dad and I we learned to carry that pain over."

"I'm here now mom. Mom tell me about John, a while back I had a memory. How big were our feelings?"

"I don't know about you son, but John," she looked at her son with sadness, "I had never seen a man break that way. John was destroyed he loves you Kaidan."

"I did felt something when I saw him."

"Have you heard from him?"

"No, I've tried to communicate, but I couldn't do that, and I imagine that illusive man has something to do with it."

"Okay, but tell me what you going to do when he finish?"

Kaidan already had thought about it, and he wanted to continue his relationship with John. He deserved it after all that he has suffered by his dead, also his own parents loved him, his dad kept talking about John, and his mother suffered to see him suffer.

"I want to be with him mom."

"Then why don't you follow him."

"He does not want me on the ship," Kaidan said with frustration. He wanted to accompany him. "When he returns I hope we have the opportunity to speak."

"Kaidan son, when you return to the Alliance, Please take care of yourself what your dad, John, and I lived was a nightmare. Every night I look at your photo thinking I lost you so far from me. I miss you Kaidan," Sonia said shakily

"Mom," Kaidan grabbed her hands, "please don't be sad look at me touch me mom I'm here," Kaidan said taking his mother's hand to his cheek.

"I know son, but I'm afraid of losing you again."

"You will not, I promise to take care of myself, but don't cry I don't like to see you suffer."

"We need to go to the cemetery, and remove your tombstone. Your funeral was very sad. John gave a beautiful speech ... Oh, son..."

"I love you mom, I know I don't remember you or dad, but I do know I love you both."

Kaidan stayed a little longer with his mother, comforting her, giving her affection. He couldn't only imagine what they suffered with his death. Worst of all was not able to remember those moments that he lived with his parents. He doesn't understand why he remembered that moment with John, in, not with his parents, perhaps because they were more recent memories. and then get back to his bedroom, he grabbed his onmitool.

**John.**

**I do not know if you receive this message, but I'm worried about you. I have not heard from you since you left me in Anderson's office. Tonight I remembered something between you and me, our first night together. I made the decision, I want to continue with us, and I remember everything, and I know the only way to do that is having you near me. I hope you read this and you contact with me soon.**

**Kaidan.**

After that he went to bed and snuggled under his blanket, remember John's face, lamenting how they met. He wanting to be in the arms of the man, that despite not remembers him, Kaidan felt that he belonged to him body and soul. Maybe he should pack up and go to the Citadel, Kaidan knew the schedule of the ship, often had to make some deliveries there, but he didn't want to contradict John. He wondered how much they were known to each other. When he saw John on the Horizon, his eyes had so much sadness and coldness at the same time, but now with what his mom said, he was sure the that Commander, who pointed his gun at him loves him immensely. With that thought he could fall asleep

* * *

John cursed repeatedly he was an engineer, he knew how to sabotage things, but he could not open his messages and that was getting on his nerves for more buttons the he press on the computer he couldn't open his messages. He wanted to know about Kaidan, write him, but he couldn't do it, and he knew very well who was behind all that. He headed to the door finding Joker, in his way. "What are you doing here?" He asks him coldly.

"Commander, you have days on the ship, and you did not come to talk to me," Joker ask him quietly

John walked away from Joker he don't bear to be near him, he couldn't forgive him, yes, Kaidan is alive, for a turn of fate, but he felt much resentment towards Joker. "You and I at least are something about work than we have nothing to talk about." John said firmly. Seeing Joker brings back all the pain of the past two years

"Kaidan is alive."

"Kaidan don't have fucking memory, anyway, why you are working with Cerberus?" He didn't understand why he was working with Cerberus, when he knew Joker, disagreed on what Cerberus's organization does.

"Miranda came to me and told me about Kaidan I accepted immediately. I thought it was a way to repair the damage that I did."

"Nothing of what you do will bring me back the two years I spent in hell living without Kaidan. I hit rock bottom, I was drunk almost every night I was cruel to my crew. Kaidan death destroys me."

"Shepard, you'll never forgive me."

"No, now get the hell out of my cabin."

"You're cold Shepard."

"Well, you make me this way."

After that, John went directed towards Miranda's room, "you, why the hell I can't open my messages."

"Well, Commander what kind of manners are those?"

"I 'm not in the mood for your jokes Miranda." John said angrily, putting his hands on the desk in front of her.

"You never are in the mood Shepard, personally I prefer Alenko he was charming."

John felt all the blood rushed to his head after hearing those words came out of her mouth. "What the hell you just said?"

Miranda looked at him intently, "Shepard you're jealous?"

"Something happened between you and Kaidan?" John asked angrily.

"Calm down Shepard, nothing happened between Alenko, and I, I 'm only saying that he's more charming than you. I'm not stupid. I know you'd kill me if, I had something to do with your boy, and about your posts they are restricted, but I can fix it if you help me with something."

"You have some nerve to ask for my help."

"Alenko was going to help me. I have a problem with my sister."

"I'm not Alenko, I will not help you," John shouted.

"All right, then I will not be fixing you posts. Shepard what happened with Kaidan was not something personal I was only take orders. "

John hesitated for a moment, and then he rubbed his neck, he had to be smart with her, and think about Kaidan first. She had control of damage the man he loved if she wanted to. "Okay I'll help you with your sister."

"Thank you Shepard. I need to get her out where she is, and put it in a safe place, that my father won't find her."

"Send me the details."

"I will, also I will send you the details of how to extract the control chip of Alenko head."

"You will do that?" John asked with surprise.

"Yes, Alenko is a good person the time we work together he behaved very well with me."

John could not help but smile because he knew that his Kaidan was a good person. "Thank You." John turned.

"You really love Alenko."

John turned around again, "I think that was clear when you brought Kaidan back if not, you have not done so. Kaidan Alenko is the only thing I have in life." John left the room and headed towards the principal battery room where Garrus was.

"Garrus."

"Oh hey Shepard I was wondering when you would come by to talk to me."

"I don't talk much those days Garrus; I'd rather be alone, when we are not on ground missions."

"Joker told me you had it changed, but I didn't know how much into now."

John stood in front of him, leaning against the wall with his arms folded. "Grief changes you, and I had a lot of pain, anyway, I'm glad to have you with me."

"Always. When Kaidan find me it was confusing he didn't remember me, and I didn't believe it was him."

"I imagine, you saw how impact me meeting him after," John sighed. Still hurt to remember Kaidan's death," his death. Garrus you don't know what my life was those two years. The only people who helped me were Kaidan's parents. "

"Yes, I knew that you spent time with them."

"I lost the meaning of life."

"Now that Kaidan is back, I hope you can catch up my friend. I know that with time, he may regain his memory."

"I hope that too, well, I just wanted to say that although you don't see me a lot in the hallways, if you need me I'll be in my cabin."

"Shepard, do not forget we're your friends."

"Noted."

John went to the elevator when he saw Jack. "Hey Jack."

"Hey Shep, when Alenko coming back?"

John did not like the question. "Why?"

"Oh, nothing, he's nice."

John just rolls his eyes up then headed toward his cabin. His computer was already running, so he checks his messages, smiling at the message of Kaidan.

**Kaidan.**

**You don't know the joy it gives me to see your message. Miranda had me blocked my messages, but we could reach an agreement so that she fixes that problem.** **She also told me she will give intrusions to remove that chip control your head**

**You do not know how happy you make me fells to know that you could remember that day, which was so important to us. I wish you by my side; I spent two years alone, where my only company was my bottle of whiskey. When I lost you, I thought I had lost all chance of being happy, and during those two years, there was no one in my life. During that time, I didn't dare look at anyone, I stops feel like a man the pain I was feeling was so great that the only thing I felt every time I got up, it was a death wish. It hurt to breathe; it hurt every morning awakening, knowing you were no longer there with me. Now it hurts to know you're alive, but we have to be away for a while**

**If only you could remember, as we were alone, you gave me peace that I need right now. I feel estrange, for two years I isolate myself from everybody, now I have to go back to get used to dealing with people.**

**How's your mom? Tell her I miss her. Here, you have a few fans, which will not stop telling me how nice and charming you are. I think I'm jealous. Kaidan I want to continue what we had before, I want to help you remind us. Do not forget, I need you. Do not worry about me; I 'm better now that I know you're alive.**

**John**

After sending this message John takes off his shirt, and leaned back on the bed. I took her hand to her chest as well as Kaidan, he used to. It had been so long since the last time that he felt the urge to have sex like this. He had wanted to feel Kaidan's caresses on his skin. He wanted to feel again. John let out a growl of frustration.

He looked down at him, he had fucking erection, and worst of all was that I had the urge right now could not wait, so he took off his pants, his underwear lower. He closes his eyes, and began to stroke faster, the Kaidan thinking, remembering the way Kaidan touch him, in the way Kaidan makes him moan on bed. It was good to feel a bit again, because what he was feeling now, it was nothing compared to what Kaidan, made him feel.

"Kaidan ..."

When he finished, his body felt satisfied, but his desire to have the man he loves was still there, but at least now John knew he could feel again.


	5. Chapter 5

John was feeling nervous standing in front of the house of Kaidan's parents, just two days ago he had completed his mission. He rang the doorbell. His hands felt sweaty thinking that he was going to see Kaidan again. He was nervous about it, he only hoped they were at home. When he talks to Anderson he had told him that, Kaidan was still at home with their parents. Kaidan training it was complicated for his lack of memory and the best person to train him would have to be him.

All the way he was thinking what he would say to Kaidan, when he saw him. He could not believe how desperate he was to see him again, to have him in his arms. John Shepard had never imagined that one day he'd be desperately in love by a man, after having had so many lovers in his life.

Also, he couldn't deny that, after two years he was willing to be naked in his arms. Of course, if Kaidan needed time he is going to give to him. He was willing to give the time Kaidan need. Other than that, John was going to spend those months off training, care, and win his lover again, with the difference that, now he knew exactly what he wanted, to spend the rest of his life with Kaidan.

During these two years John didn't dare to look at anyone, no one drew him as a man. Or maybe, the pain didn't let him find someone else. Besides he wasn't an easy man, he didn't let anyone get close to him, Kaidan was the only one who could break down that barrier, which he used to wear.

After a moment, Kaidan's mother opened the door, "Sonia." She immediately gave him a hug.

"Shepard it gives me so much joy to see you son!"

John felt happy, he loved Kaidan's mother like the mother he never had. "How are you?"

"Better now that I see you, but coming inside. Kaidan didn't tell me that you would come today."

"He does not know is a surprise," john said looking around the house for Kaidan.

"He's in the bedroom. Shepard Kaidan isn't feeling well."

"What's wrong?" John said alarmed.

"He's very depressed the lack of memory affected him a lot. He feels lost, confused. Seeing you will make good to him, "she has explain him carefully.

"Do not worry I will take care of him, tell me where is your husband?"

"Traveling as ever."

After talking with her for a moment, John directed towards Kaidan's room. He entered without knocking. Kaidan was reading a book. "Hey handsome," John said from the doorway smiling at him.

Kaidan immediately leave the book he was reading on bed and then immediately went to John, "John!" He hugged him tightly.

John put his arms around stroking his back as he had done so many times. He couldn't avoid the tears; he had longed to hug Kaidan again for so long. "You look good Kaidan," John said shakily.

Kaidan pulled away slightly to look at him, "John why you are crying?"

"I'm sorry Kaidan. I'm happy to have you in my arms."

"The last time you wrote you didn't tell me you were coming," Kaidan said touching his cheek wiping his tears with his thumb.

"I wanted to surprise you," John said with a huge desire to kiss him.

"You know, your eyes are beautiful I love the color remember me of the sea."

"You always told me that. Kaidan how are you?" John asks him. He grabs him by the hand and leading him to the bed, sitting both at the end of it.

"A little lost, but now that I see you I feel better."

John stroked his cheek, then his lips with his finger. For a moment, he just looks at him. He had dreamed of this moment all these months after he saw him on the Horizon. He was remembering the moments that they lived together, and now that he had his Kaidan in front of him, he doesn't know how to act. If Kaidan had his memories, he would have kissed him already, but he could not stand a rejection of the man he loved dearly. "Kaidan can I kiss you?" he asked looking at him lovingly.

"You don't have to ask John, my lips are yours."

John didn't wait a moment more, he kissed him gently, trying to hold the desire and passion that he felt for him. He can forget that they were in his parents' house. His lips taste just as good as ever. John broke the kiss for a moment, savoring his lips, and then he kissed him again. "Kaidan," he muttered. John heard footsteps in the hallway, and stop kissing him.

"Sorry for interrupting, Shepard you are going to stay?"

"Ah, I love too, but I don't know if you have the space; the house has two rooms only," John replied to Kaidan's mother who looked at him tenderly.

Kaidan grabbed his hand, "we can share the room."

John couldn't avoid blushing, "is depends on your mother," John said, a little embarrassed.

"No problem with me. I love that you stay here son, I'll go make dinner."

John stood up quickly from the bed, "Kaidan are sure?"

Kaidan looked thoughtful for a moment, he didn't understand the attitude of John he seemed more confused than himself. "What's wrong? I thought it was what you wanted."

John rubbed his forehead then looked at him with sadness, "you don't know how I miss you, how I annealed your touch, if I lie in that bed with you tonight, I do not know if I can contain myself." He knows himself very well, and I felt he feel Kaidan's touch on his skin, he knew very well that he would lose control.

Kaidan get up the bed in approaching him, "Commander, you do not have to contain yourself, I want you, besides, I remembered that first night together." Kaidan said blushing.

John grabbed his cheeks look at him stray in his eyes, "I don't want you to be with me out of pity-"

"Stop." Kaidan walked away from him. "You know I don't remember much of you, but you're pissing me off. You have not seen yourself in a mirror, you're a very handsome man, your fascinate me."

John quickly approached on hugging him from behind, "do not be angry with me I beg you."

Kaidan felt his embrace, but at the same time felt his despair. He put his hand on the back of John's head, and sighed as he felt his lips kiss his neck. "John."

"You and I were intense Kaidan," John turn him around, "tonight I'll take you to a place where I used to go to think about you, to remember, to mourn your absence."

"Please do not cry, you'll make me cry."

"Okay, let's go with your mother, I have to pick up my suitcase I leave in the shutter."

"You will stay a while?"

"That we need to talk, on Monday I would like you come back with me to our apartment."

"Yes."

"Good I was afraid you'd say no."

"Why?" John listen, I don't have all my memories, but what little I remembered it served me to realize where my place. "

"Where?"

"By your side."

* * *

John spent a fabulous time with Kaidan's mother and Kaidan too. Sonia prepares an apple pie, which was delicious. The three were chatting a while. Sonia spoke of his fear about Kaidan coming back to the Alliance, and that something can happen again to Kaidan. He understood her fear, because he shared that fear too, but this time, he wasn't going to let anything happen to Kaidan, whether that means, even if he would have to keep him out of the battlefield. He couldn't lose him again; John would not survive if he lost Kaidan again.

"I give you my word Sonia; I will not let anything happen to Kaidan again." John assure her.

"I know Shepard; I know how you love my son and you Kaidan you need to be good with Shepard he suffered a lot for you."

"Mom I know. John I swear she loves you more than me. She just goes around talking about you, I think I'm jealous."

John put his arm around Kaidan kissing his cheek. "Do not say that your mother loves you. The thing is that she gave me lots of love, and much help when I lost you, she was the mother I never had," John said looking at her tenderly, he had never met a woman as wonderful as she is.

"I can say I win another child. I'm going to sleep now I'll leave you two alone. "

"We're going out for a while," John says.

"Okay, at least its summer and it's not cold outside."

They went outside, and John grabbed his hand. "Let's walk."

"Many times while I stay here at your parents' house in the evening I went out for a walk.

They walked in silence for a while, John still could not believe that Kaidan was at his side, that after having lost the meaning of life he begun to live again. He thanked God for having restored tranquility to his life. Kaidan was his tranquility, his peace.

The two arrived at the beach which was closed, but the watchman knew Shepard, and let them enter inside. They walked until they came near the water, and then they sat in the sand. John spent his arms around Kaidan.

"I always came here to think. I knew you liked the sea because you told me. Here I could find a little peace inside the hell that I was living without you."

"John you don't have to talk about it."

"I need to do it Kaidan. You were always someone I could trust. Besides being my lover, you were my friend. You don't really know how much I loved you, and yet I still love you Kaidan. When I lost you I lost the most valuable thing in my life, it was you," John said shakily then paused to kiss his cheek," there wasn't a day I will not think of you. I hit rock bottom I was always drunk, moody, depressed, I hated myself for not die with you. "

Kaidan didn't see his face, but he knew that John was crying because he felt the tears on his cheek. He felt a great pain to hear a man like him, admit how much he suffered.

"I'm right here John."

"And I will not let anything happen to you again Kaidan I'll never let your separate yourself from me again you understand me."

"We're soldiers-"

"No!"

Kaidan chose not to fight with him. "Okay. Tell me something. Do you fix things with Joker?"

John didn't answer him right away. He left the Normandy without saying a word to Joker. John didn't want to see him again. He didn't know why he couldn't forgive him.

"No."

"John please does not hold grudges. Joker appreciate you like a brother he is suffering for you indifference toward him."

"I can't forget him, because of him I lose two years of my life without you, please don't ask me to do it."

For now Kaidan leave things like that. "Tell me about us."

For a while, John you told him how crazy they used to be together. How he'd always making him blush with his daring. How they fought against what they felt. It was beautiful to remember those times now without pain. Then John lay him in the sand the looked at him intently for a moment. He took his hand to the buttons of his shirt. "Can I?"

"I told you a while ago, you don't have to ask permission."

John unbuttoned his shirt, biting his lips tightly. He passes his hand over his chest, "two years wishing to have you back." John unbuttoned his shirt, and then grabbed Kaidan's hand leading to his chest and let out a sigh. "... Oh Kaidan."

Kaidan saw him on the verge of tears again, and quickly took his hand behind John's head pulling it towards him, to give him a deep kiss. He had noticed that John yet was still suffering, and he didn't want that, he wanted to try to make him happy.

John ended up lying on top of Kaidan. He wanted to be gentle with him because he had long repressed desire, and he didn't want to be rough, but Kaidan was making it difficult for him. John put his hands on his waist tightening feeling Kaidan's hands caressing his back under his shirt. John wanted to possess him now; when he hears him groan beneath he moved his hips provocatively. John knew that they were alone on the beach, the watchman was at the entrance, but he did not want something fast. John wanted to love him all night. "Kaidan let's go ..."

"Here ..."

"Kaidan Damnit!"

"Fuck me here John," Kaidan demanded.

John can't stand any more in left than a minute John undressed him, he didn't care about the sand he only wanted to be inside of him as before. "Oh God Kaidan we are in a public place."

"No one is here, besides who would dare to fight with the great Commander Shepard, I've heard the stories."

"I love you Kaidan ..."

"I know I do too John since I saw you on the Horizon, I knew I was yours."

"Before or after you pointed to me with your gun?" John said laughing.

"Hey, you did it first."

"Fair." John kissed him again, once he was leaving his passion run free. After a few hours, the two returned to the house to take a shower. In the bathroom John began to lather him. He notices the marks on his back. Passing a finger over the lines, "they were not there before."

"They are there for my implants."

"Kaidan I have something to tell you."

"There's something bothering me. I found an email; about something that is happening in one of the Cerberus base, but it was coded I couldn't read everything. I want to investigate when we return."

"Okay."

John began to lather the bottom, listening to him let out a moan then he took his hands toward the front down to his cock. "You are hard for me again Lieutenant?"

"Yes, I can also feel you Commander Shepard."

John captive his lips with his own, "you want to do it again?" john muttered between her lips while rubbing it gently.

"Yes ... Yes ..."

"You know Lieutenant, even without memories you are still the same greedy as ever." "You don't like it?"

"Love it..."

A while later John was curled up in his arms, stroking his wet hair as often as he used to do. The two were naked in bed enjoying the warmth of their bodies. He saw Kaidan take his hand to his mouth placing a kiss making him smile. "Kaidan you don't remember anything more?"

"Well, no ... only blurry pictures, I do not distinguish who they are. If I think about a lot, I just end up with a headache."

"When we come back, we'll go to Huerta memory Hospital, the doctor there will be able to remove the chip, and so you can see any doctor help with you lack memory."

"It will cost a lot?"

"Kaidan, I'll cover the cost don't worry about that," John kisses the top, or his head. "I love you."

"Me too. Thank you."

"Why?"

"For not forget about me all those years."

John looked at him, "how can I forget you, when I love you forever."


	6. Chapter 6

**After a few glasses of wine this is what inspired me ... I hope everyone like it.**

I love you always forever, near and far, closer together

Everywhere I will be with you, everything I will do for you.

You've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen…

Donna Lewis.

Kaidan awoke with John movements in bed. It looked as he was having a nightmare. Kaidan shook him gently. "John."

John woke up a little hectic. He looked at Kaidan, and immediately grabbed his cheek kissing him deeply. "You are here," John muttered between his lips crawling on top of him.

Kaidan felt John trembling in his arms. "Yes ... I am here John wait." John body was sweaty and cold. He was kissing him with despair.

"I need to feel you." John said as he tried desperately to remove his underwear.

"John ... please waits love."

John tries to control his breathing, then he pulls away from him and sat on the bed covering his face with his hands. He had been having nightmares for a while now. Most nights he relieved that bloody day in his mind. Event though the he has Kaidan back the nightmares never stopped.

He could not describe what he was feeling to relive the most terrifying day of his life. He wanted to forget not remember that day almost every day. The nightmare was quite real, he might keep seeing Kaidan, burn or die suffocated as once he told Joker it was something horrible.

"I need a drink." He said after a while.

"John is three in the morning -"

"I..." John got up from the bed put on a shirt. He headed to the living room then to the bar grabbing the bottle of whiskey.

"No," Kaidan grabbed the bottle from his hands.

"Kaidan pleases."

Kaidan put the bottle down then cradled John in his arms. This wasn't the first time the he wake up like that. while they stay in his parents' house, and the few days that they were in the apartment almost every night was the same, John woke shivering, and sweaty, then hug him into he falls asleep.

Right now he could feel John desperation. Kaidan didn't have to ask what his nightmares were about because he known that the nightmares were about him. He had not wanted to talk about it, but it was time to do it. Also, he knew of John problem with alcohol, and the least thing he wanted was that John started drinking again. "John you're so cold, let's go to the fireplace I will light the fire." Kaidan leave John on the couch, turned on the fireplace, the he went to the kitchen to make something hot for them, and then he bring a blanket.

Kaidan did not know how to help him and calm his fears down. He didn't know how to make him feel that he was alive, and that wasn't going anywhere, but he hated seeing him like that. The two of them sat down on the couch. "John talks to me."

"Almost every night I have nightmares about your death." John said shakily.

"I thought so," Kaidan saying to him. John was leaning against him. He stares to stroke his cheeks gently feeling him relax. "Hey my handsome Commander, I'm here."

"I know, but I don't know what happening to me, or rather I know what is happening to me. I still can't forget those years of hell that I lived without you." John can't forget that damn day he let his lover die alone. He took the cup to his mouth, letting out a sigh of relief as he felt the hot liquid in his throat.

"You want to see a doctor?" Kaidan ask him trying to find a solution to his torment.

"No, Kaidan I saw one and didn't help me. I just need a little time, and you my love." John put the cup down he turn around, then started to kiss Kaidan's neck. "I need your affection, your love."

Kaidan smiled stroking his back, "you got it. You know what we have to do."

"What?" John asks him let out a groan when he felt Kaidan's hand touching his ass.

"Go out."

"Where you want to go?"

"Surprise me."

"You know, I've never seen you in a suit. I think we can go shopping tomorrow. Next week I have to take you to the hospital, and then start your training. This weekend will go out to have some fun for a while I think we both deserve." John bit his neck listening to him moan. "Do you like that?"

"No, bite me harder." Kaidan challenge him. In the short time they had been together, Kaidan had realized that John liked challenges in bed.

John grinned. "I have to admit, I love the new you."

"Why?"

"You used to be shy Kaidan tell me about how shy I used to be."

"Very Shy, but I will tell you story's about that, but later not now." John grabbed Kaidan's hand and led it towards his cock. "Touch me; I need you to touch me like that ... Ah yes ..." John moaned as he felt the warmth of his hand.

* * *

_Kaidan was in his apartment reading book thinking about his Commander. He left Anderson office, and went to his apartment, after which Anderson granted him a few days off, like the entire crew of the Normandy after finished with Saren. John was still in talking to Anderson, the two could talk for hours, and Kaidan knew Anderson was a father to his commander._

_He would have liked to have waited for john, but surely he had other more important things to do than be with him in their free days. They had been together all this time, so maybe his Commander needed his space, even though, the last time they were together was a few weeks ago, and Kaidan was dying to be with him again._

_He hardly concentrates on what he was reading he wanted so bad to call John. Also, his parents wanted to see him. He miss his mother like crazy, maybe he would go over next weekend to see her. Kaidan hears the doorbell ring then he put the book aside and went to open the door, finding the angry face of his commander. "John what are you doing here? He asks John, surprised to see him at the door, but happy at the same time to see him._

_John enters in with a small suitcase. "So Lieutenant it mean all this time I was a hobby for you?"_

_Kaidan closed the door, and quickly approached him with a beaming smile on his face, gave him great happiness to see him he trying to grab John by the waist._

_John put his hands in front. "Lieutenant no, answers my question."_ _You can notice that the Commander was irritated by his angry tone._

_Kaidan chuckled. "How can you think that?"_ _Kaidan couldn't hide that he loves to see him occasionally angry, because his beloved Commander looked more handsome than he already was._

_"Well let me see, I left the Anderson office, looking for you, and you couldn't even wait for me to leave the office. What, do you have something better than me waiting for you?" _

_Kaidan realized that he was not joking; his commander was furious and jealous. That side of John was unknown for Kaidan, all this time his Commander had loved to him. "John," Kaidan grabbed him by the waist, pulling him toward abruptly. "Are you jealous?"_ _Kaidan ask him without hesitation. To think that his commander was jealous of him, told him much of what John felt for him._

"_Yes," John quickly replied without hesitation_

_"From who, if you know that you're the one I want ... I just thought you wanted some privacy, now that we're off duty." Kaidan try to explain to calm his anger._

_John put his hands around Kaidan. "You thought wrong, if the only thing I want is to be next to you, and spend those days on leave loving you every day, of course if you let me stay with you."_

_Kaidan put his hands around his neck. "Of course I want you to stay with me Commander Shepard. Which part of my apartment you want to see first?"_ _Kaidan asked with a grin. He already knew the answer to his commander would give him._

_"The bed ..." John said before attaching his lips to his._

_Kaidan took him to the bedroom then saw him looking the room a little pensive. "John-"_

_"You think you can please me in something tonight?"_

_Kaidan approached him, unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt, and then brought his lips to John's neck. "Tell me how I can please my Commander."_

_For a moment, John couldn't speak just feel Kaidan's lips on his neck, and his hands unbuttoning his pants. Kaidan was driving him crazy. Kaidan Alenko made him forget who he was, a hard man, feared by all, but with Kaidan he's weak. "John?"_

_"Oh yes ... Go out with me tonight."_

_"John you know I don't-"_

_"Please Kaidan, I'm tired that we hide our relationship, humor me, you know I please you in everything you want."_

_"Not all."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_Kaidan pushed him on the bed then knelt to remove his shoes, and then began to remove his pants. "I want to fuck you now, then tonight Commander, this is my condition."_

_"Kaidan."_

_"So, what's your answer?"_

_"Damnit, you abuse that you know I 'm crazy for you ... Okay you win, but be gentle with me Kaidan, I never."_

_"What?" Kaidan interrupted him quickly moving away._

_"That surprises you; I've never let anyone fuck me I always liked to be in control." _

_Kaidan started to remove his belt, "Take off your clothes Commander today I will be in control."_

_'Kaidan!"_

_"Now."_

_"Damnit Kaidan, the things I do for you."_

_Within a few minutes, Kaidan was up on top of John, kissing his entire body, making his Commander, moaning loudly. Kaidan cry out when he pulls his hair. "John." _

_"Damnit you're driving me crazy."_

_"Hand me the lubricant."_

_Kaidan daub lubricant on his finger, then tended beside John, "Open your legs." Kaidan introduced his finger inside him. "Kiss me." Kaidan demands. Just a few months ago Kaidan knew nothing of sex, and now he was an expert. John taught him absolutely everything, to the point of making John tremble with pleasure as now._

_"Kaidan, please ..."_

_"Okay."_

_Kaidan positioned himself between John daub lubricants on his cock then he opened John's legs... "You are ready for me?" John answered him with a wink. Kaidan enters him gently at first then increase his pace. His commander always was demanding on the bed, but in spite of the pain he felt at first now he was been more demanded. John ass was feeling tight, and Kaidan wanted to scream with pleasure._

_"Kaidan yes baby like that."_

_Kaidan lay on John, demanding his lips kissing him passionately. Those moments with John were priceless for Kaidan. Having John Shepard moaning loudly in his ear, it was a feeling that he couldn't describe._

* * *

John looked at Kaidan, who was looking at himself in the mirror without saying a word for several minutes; the red dots in his eyes were glowing more then ever. John shook him gently. Kaidan snaps grabbing John by the neck tightening.

"K... Kaidan," John attempts to push him without hurting him. "Kaidan!" John yells at him. Kaidan gaze was empty; it was like the being he love wasn't present.

Kaidan took a step back looking at his hands, and then looked at John breathing heavily. "John!"

"Kaidan ... what-"

"I... I lose control of my ... I... I was remembering something, and suddenly I felt the desire to kill you... sorry, sorry ... I'm sorry ... Please John -"Kaidan said with despair when he realized he was about to kill the man he loves.

"NO!" John grabbed him tightly, "don't ask forgiveness it isn't your fault. Right now we are going to the hospital, I need to have you removed that chip." John said worriedly. If he saw Miranda again in front of him, he would kill her. She was the culprit of all, she and Cerberus.

"NO ... John, please no tonight."

"But -"

"John I beg you I want to enjoy tonight with you."

"Okay but tomorrow I will take you to the hospital." For a while, John stayed hugging him he knew very well what just had happened. He knew he didn't end on good terms with the illusive man when he sends him to hell, after destroying the Collectors' base. The Illusive man wanted to retain the base, but John's destroyed, and that infuriated him.

"John I love you."

"I love you too my love," John was saying while cooing Kaidan in his arms. "You want us to stay in the apartment? "

"No, John was dead for two years I want to live a little, humor me."

"Similar words I told you once."

"I know, that it what I was remembering, that day you came to our apartment, the day you let me ... you know ... " Kaidan blushed.

John grabbed his chin lifting his head to look at him, "Hey handsome, do you want to do it tonight?"

"Would you allow me?"

"Kaidan you know, I am yours body and soul my love. You can do with me whatever you want."

"Sometimes I wonder how you are in battle, when the only thing I ' have seen, well, except for what happened on the Horizon, is a divinely loving man."

John smiled. "If you could remember everything, you would realize that you turned me into the man I am today. Now let's go, the site that I'm taking you it a bit far from here. "

An hour later they arrived at the restaurant, where they were taken to a table which was more removed from each other and the place was darker in the VIP. The place was beautiful.

"How you do this?"

"Being Commander Shepard has its advantages. Incidentally," John grabbed his hand. "You look so handsome tonight."

"You too."

The evening was divine John felt happy; it had been long time ago that he didn't feel like that. With Kaidan, he could talk about anything for hours. He was a little fascinating responding Kaidan's questions he wanted to know everything of that life he doesn't remember. For a while, John told him about their missions with Saren. Thank God they were far from the other tables because Kaidan was laughing fascinated with the things that John was telling him. The way they used to meet secretly, or all the times John made him feel ashamed when he openly flirts with him.

"John, why didn't you fall in love again?"

John looked to the side for a moment, remembering. There were many times he went to a bar to drink into to be totally drunk. Many times someone offer to have a good time with him, but he could not do it. The pain he was feeling at the time was stronger than the desire of his body.

"John-"

"Oh, Sorry. Kaidan I'm not a man who can be easily open to anyone or trust anyone. I'm a complicated man; you were the only one who over looks all my faults. Besides no one can be compares with you. "

"Talk to me about what you did after you left me in Anderson office?"

John really did not want to talk about those months. He didn't get along with his crew only with Garrus, and Joker. "I do not want to talk about it." John grabbed his hand. "Tell me what you felt when you woke up.

"Confused lost. I didn't know who I was. Miranda's voice right through the Comm guided me to reach Jacob... "

John felt despair, to hear him speak of about he went through in Normandy. As Garrus, and Joker's support him.

They left the restaurant going toward the street; they decided to take a walk for a while, despite the fact that the night was cloudy. Kaidan grabbed John's hand, because he did not care what people think about him or about his relationship with another man. He doesn't care if people thought he was weak, for behaving lovingly with the person he loves. The only thing John care was to be happy with him, now that fate had returned them the opportunity to be happy again.

John knew it was strange that a man like him could feel that kind of feeling as he felt for Kaidan. He liked the fact that they were both unique. That fate separated them, and the same fate met them again.

Suddenly it started to rain they rushed to an empty building, where they began to watch the rain while John hugged Kaidan he kissed his cheek.

"You know, once I thought of killing myself. Kai I was so empty, nothing ... inspired me to keep going. You were and are my soul mate." John sighed turning him around. "I had a dream where you were asking me to move on with my life, but I couldn't do it Kaidan. I was weak. I... I didn't count on falling in love like that. Damnit; I didn't count on losing you. Why did you leave me?" John asked with his eyes full of tears,

Kaidan didn't know how to answer something he didn't remember, but now he felt desperate to see him like that. "I don't remember why I did it, perhaps because I love you too much, but what I can say is that I would do it again to save your life."

John stared at him. "That will never going to happen, I told you that day on the beach, and I'll repeat to you I will protect you with my life if necessary."

John kissed him intensely. He felt the cold breeze wrap their bodies. He listen the rain fall. His body started to feel warm with Kaidan's caresses on his back. It was late, and the night was darker than ever. John took Kaidan slowly without breaking the kiss inside the empty building, leaning him against a wall.

John didn't have to ask Kaidan if he wanted to make love, he could feel his wishes in his kisses and caresses. A few minutes later they were making love in the dark of the night, there was no moon, no star that night, there were no witnesses to the act of love, it was only themselves, and the rain that would not stop falling on the contrary was now falling more heavily..

"I love you until the end of time Kaidan.

"I love you beyond infinity ..."

"Let's make a promise ... Wherever you go I go," John said.

Kaidan, stared at him analyzing the meaning of those words, "wherever you go I go."

"We will never say goodbye ..." John said.

"Never ..."


End file.
